Black Friday is to raiding like New Year's Eve is to drinking: a violent, messy, crowded, bad-smelling amateur hour fine-tuned to drive even the most cool-headed professionals to frustration.
We Barbarians form hordes for protection, efficiency, and communication among raiders. Go figure civilization would bollocks it up so hard as to turn it into a system where it's every marauder for themselves.
But if one must give the home field advantage to the merchants, some ways are more barbaric than others. Read further to live, thrive and survive on this, the Blackest of Fridays.
Rule one: Cunning over Ferocity.
There's a time and place to storm the gates wearing nothing but blue paint, a fat wallet and a blunt instrument. Trying it on Black Friday just means you'll be mistaken for a Gators fan. Or worse, a Colts fan. To successfully navigate Black Friday, be where the Berzerkers ain't. If the rush is for electronics, be somewhere else looking for clothing. If toys are what needs to happen, head for jewelry.
Yes, the choicest bargains are where the mob gravitates towards. But by that point, limited supplies just ensure you're playing dice with your own bodies. If you must indulge, it pays to stack the deck, so wear your biggest and best spikes.
Rule two: Research thoroughly.
Every merchant knows that once they have you in the shop with "buy" instead of "burn" on your mind, their job's half done. The sales of this day, while seeming frothing mad at first, are finely calculated to get your leather-and-fur-clad ass in the doors, there to have your senses heavily assaulted by the display racks. It thus behooves you to be nowhere near their establishment without a specific mission in mind. Know what specifically you look for, and which abode both has the item at the best deal on hand. and the lowest capacity for other bargain-charging scum like yourself.
Rule three: If possible, form a horde
For those who can't resist the siren call of chaos, your odds become better by forming a band of other leather-clad layabouts. Discuss each member's primary and secondary goals. Spread out among the shops as best you may. Divide hunting responsibilities and grounds, so that the band itself will be able to cover more territory than its individual members.
Rule four: If all else fails, raise the drawbridge and wait out the siege.
'Tis one day. Seriously, folks, make it more about leftovers and preparing for the fun of winter than dealing with the hassle. Chaos is like beer and leather unmentionables: provided you know what you're doing, tis' much more satisfying to enjoy those you and your friends make yourselves rather than indulge in what's made by easily distracted amateurs.
EDIT: And if you be wanting to perpetuate the Barbaric nature of the ladies in your life, the Labs have cooked up a new, internet-only edition of our famous Princess T-shirt!
We Barbarians form hordes for protection, efficiency, and communication among raiders. Go figure civilization would bollocks it up so hard as to turn it into a system where it's every marauder for themselves.
But if one must give the home field advantage to the merchants, some ways are more barbaric than others. Read further to live, thrive and survive on this, the Blackest of Fridays.
Rule one: Cunning over Ferocity.
There's a time and place to storm the gates wearing nothing but blue paint, a fat wallet and a blunt instrument. Trying it on Black Friday just means you'll be mistaken for a Gators fan. Or worse, a Colts fan. To successfully navigate Black Friday, be where the Berzerkers ain't. If the rush is for electronics, be somewhere else looking for clothing. If toys are what needs to happen, head for jewelry.
Yes, the choicest bargains are where the mob gravitates towards. But by that point, limited supplies just ensure you're playing dice with your own bodies. If you must indulge, it pays to stack the deck, so wear your biggest and best spikes.
Rule two: Research thoroughly.
Every merchant knows that once they have you in the shop with "buy" instead of "burn" on your mind, their job's half done. The sales of this day, while seeming frothing mad at first, are finely calculated to get your leather-and-fur-clad ass in the doors, there to have your senses heavily assaulted by the display racks. It thus behooves you to be nowhere near their establishment without a specific mission in mind. Know what specifically you look for, and which abode both has the item at the best deal on hand. and the lowest capacity for other bargain-charging scum like yourself.
Rule three: If possible, form a horde
For those who can't resist the siren call of chaos, your odds become better by forming a band of other leather-clad layabouts. Discuss each member's primary and secondary goals. Spread out among the shops as best you may. Divide hunting responsibilities and grounds, so that the band itself will be able to cover more territory than its individual members.
Rule four: If all else fails, raise the drawbridge and wait out the siege.
'Tis one day. Seriously, folks, make it more about leftovers and preparing for the fun of winter than dealing with the hassle. Chaos is like beer and leather unmentionables: provided you know what you're doing, tis' much more satisfying to enjoy those you and your friends make yourselves rather than indulge in what's made by easily distracted amateurs.
EDIT: And if you be wanting to perpetuate the Barbaric nature of the ladies in your life, the Labs have cooked up a new, internet-only edition of our famous Princess T-shirt!
Available in a standard T-shirt, unisex tank top or women's fitted Tee, available in a variety of colors just in time for the holidays.
RSS Feed
