Jay Peterson
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Net Neutrality

11/22/2017

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I don't know why I'm opening my mouth here. But to be honest? I don't care if it's Net Neutrality, the wild online west we were in back in the dark ages of 2015, or the Shadowrun dystopia everyone's screaming about. There's not a godsdamned thing ISP's or governments or megaconglomerates can do to us worse than we're doing already.
(And no, I don't want whatever factoid or link or whatever other flag you're waving. If I wanted to watch you Resist, I'd strap your ass to a Liberator and make some popcorn.)
Seriously. A compendium of human knowledge the likes of which have never been seen, and we use it to argue with strangers and solicit amateur pornography.
And that's not even counting the last two years of free-for-all hell. Every other day I'm watching friendship crack, family shatter and love explode. And for what? A ten-second high from being right? Reinforcements of what we're already convinced is truth? How convenient.
And I'm just as guilty as anyone. I've hit the buttons and banished people from my life faster than I could speak this sentence.
We're getting exactly the internet we deserve.
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Soon it begins

11/22/2017

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In 32 hours and change, the holiday shopping season begins.
During this time, as you go about trying to make all of your obligations, you will encounter a number of people when the inevitable problems arise.
Be kind to them.
They have neither the power nor the authority to make a decision that would help you any further than they already are. Those who do are hiding behind screens of their liveried representatives, be they call center reps or cashiers. Chances are, there is little they can do either.
You want to be King and/or Queen of your world?
Step one is showing compassion to the servants. Yours or otherwise.
Only the Active/Stupid Evil ones take out their frustrations on them.
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Intimidating men and active consent

11/14/2017

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So...
I'm still digesting reactions from Weinstein on down, from a lot of different angles.
But I was asked to chime in on a question about intimidating men and active consent.
I remember the days of "no means no." Which was hard enough to get moving in the U.S. Trying it internationally had to suck royally. From Japan (where a direct "no" is considered rude) to the middle east (where nobody believes you truly said "no" until you've said "no" three times) to Gods only know what other cultural interpretation is out there.
But time has passed. And fearing to say no because of what some will do when rejected is all too understandable for someone who grew up scary.
So here's where I chimed in...
I was going to stay out of this, but since I've been summoned...
I'm huge. 6'7", north of 300, built like a padded bank vault.
I have two wars as a machine gunner under my belt and the chest candy to prove it.
I'm the guy big guys come to play with so THEY can be the little guy for once.
And I work in the film industry.
And I'm so hetero male I can set off a pheromone sensor in the next zip code.
So yeah, this has been hitting home. A lot.
What has been working for me so far is this...
Step One, keep it out of the office. Completely.
I'll admit this one was fucking painful. I'm a seriously addicted hugger. I'm also a renfaire brat. I was totally that theater kid with no earthly idea of personal space.
Would I back off when told? Godsdamned right I would. And instantly the apology would kick in. And I wouldn't do it again.
But for every one of me, there's ten who get angry at being "misunderstood."
Which meant the number of people willing to tell me to back off kept getting smaller without me ever noticing.
Nowadays? Few who acted with me as an undergrad would recognize me stepping onto a set. I'm painfully polite and standoffish, rapidly approaching Rupert Giles levels of stuffy.
And I do that because I've seen and increasingly noticed over the years how much more bullshit the girls have to take from the guys.
When you're on the entertainment industry food chain, you know that networking is everything. You want people to like you. You don't want to make waves. You don't want to be that guy. Because your life is the job hunt. And you never know who has the ear of the next person that could fire you.
Which means you take incredible amounts of shit.
Even after years in the industry, I've had my "this might suck royally, but the bills are due," moments recently.
And if I'M still having those conversations with myself? What the unearthly fuck must be going through the heads of the SCORES of pretty young ladies that pour into this business every month?
That goes double when I'm teaching or advising. I walk into a classroom or on a set with those titles, I am walking into a room full of people trusting me to keep them out of a hospital. How the fuck are they going to do that if they can't trust me not to be a crude jackass? Fuck that. They walk into my classroom or onto my set, they're off fucking limits. Period.
Added: "But work is the only place I meet people."
Tough shit.
The patchwork, one day here and another day there nature of the industry means that individual workers are even more susceptible to this kind of crap than corporate folk who've actually seen an HR rep.
I didn't say it was easy.
Gods know I've worked with some brain-meltingly attractive people in my time. I'm talking move over Helen of Troy here.
But NOT drooling on them while they're trying to do their job shouldn't be a tall order to fill. Maybe there's an on set position that can be performed effectively with your eyes firmly centered on someone else's ass, but I never fucking heard about it in or out of film school.
Now, that's work. Let's talk about play.
Gods love the kink community for all the patience, active consent, and good priorities they've hammered into my skull over the years.
For the longest time, I mangled some swordfight wisdom from a stupid 90's movie into two things:
One, never lie.
My response to "you're married" is "yes I am. Here's her number, you'll have to ask nicely for anything else."
No guile. No little white lies. No omission.
Two, disappointment is the worst reaction you're allowed.
If rejection makes you angry, your triggers are what's fucked up, not the world.
Unfuck yourself.
And you have to fucking mean it.
There's literally no magic words. I've had to explain deadpan that I don't have some cheat code that drops panties at my will. I have to enter the dance with the mindset that going home alone at the end of the night is perfectly OK, with NO hard feelings afterwards.
The words you use to express it don't matter. What matters is that you mean it.
Because then, your body agrees with you.
I always used to say that insisting that your intentions are honorable is useless because your own body will call you a liar. Humans, to a degree, can smell emotions. Usually the base ones: rage, fear, and lust.
So when you're insisting you're not trying to pick someone up and your own scent is calling you a liar? That, I believe, is one source of the "he didn't really do anything, he just felt creepy."
So yes, a simple admission of, "I'd love to go rattle the walls with you. But you're not interested, so I'm not going to bother pursuing." goes so fucking far it's ridiculous. It's acknowledging both the desire and the decision to back off. And if they're both honestly meant, that comes across.
And that builds both trust and rapport. And I don't say that in terms of goodwill or karma you can save up to buy ass later, but I say that as good things in and of themselves.
But patience is a part of it. If you don't get any that night, so fucking what?
Priorities: there are greater ones than your dick. Don't just halfheartedly agree, know it and live accordingly.
And active fucking consent.
Not to get explicit, but when there's honestly not a malicious thought in your heart at the time, you have NO IDEA how much fun it is having someone greet you with an enthusiastic "yes," only for you to then take the time to make them say, "please?" first.
Yeah, it's a scary, tumultuous, changing time.
There's no consensus on the rules anywhere.
(fuck, there's no consensus on definitions anywhere, for that matter).
But in the meantime, you keep your honor clean as best you can, apologize for honest missteps, atone for your actual fuckups, and strive to do even better. For whatever that's worth.
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Protip: new costuming

11/4/2017

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when you've designed a new costume, especially incorporating armor and weapons, do yourself the following favor: wearing the entire ensemble...
Sit down and rise again from both a comfy chair and a folding chair.
Get in and out of a car.
Eat Something.
Drink Something.
Walk up and down a flight of steps.
Use the bathroom.
Having done all that, adjust ensemble to accommodate comfortably (for either you or it). Figure it all out now in the comfort of home.
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So, word is...

11/3/2017

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...various packs of assholes have designated tomorrow to go out and do asshole things.
Meanwhile, other assholes have riled up their asshole friends about how their asshole enemies are going to go be assholes.
What assholes.
So, if you're an asshole, I'd recommend quitting.
If you're going to be in an area that may suffer from an influx of assholes, remember:
One, watch out for assholes.
Two, have a plan to get away from assholes if possible.
Three, have a way to deal with assholes if getting away suddenly isn't an option.
And Four, have another plan in case it all goes to shit.
Brought to you by the Better Things To Do With An Asshole Than Listen To Them Foundation. (Or BTTDWAATLTTF).
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Thing I've seen going around.

11/2/2017

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"'Vampires cannot enter unless they are invited. Humans can rescind their invitations, which causes the vampire to immediately leave'
Did...did a monster from ancient folklore have a better grasp of consent than many modern humans?"
My take:
Well, no shit. Folkloric creatures know that rudeness can get them fucking killed in nasty ways, and ain't about to take the risks.
All of our old supernatural creature stories are thinly disguised guidelines for teaching kids about life. We tell them to stay on the path not because some witch out there is waiting to grind their asses into gingerbread, but because out in the sticks with no artificial lights, one storm pops up and you stray off the path and get lost, exposure can and will kill you.
Warnings to be on your best behavior among the faeries are warnings to mind your manners among strangers.
Faeries = Fae = Foe = Foreigner.
Manners were designed to let us talk to people different than us without bloodshed, which was easy to do if you didn't know the rules. So you got as polite as possible and hoped it was enough.
Modern humans (or at least first world suburbanites) have no fucking concept of rudeness getting your ass kicked or even killed, and haven't for decades.
There are cultures that have that concept thoroughly ingrained, but these days they get laughed at or chided by first world suburbanites for expressing it.
When I was in Iraq, I'd gotten some renfaire pics in a care package, and another guy in the unit expressed some rather enthusiastic approval of how Merry looked in a bodice.
When I mentioned matter-of-factly how I couldn't see that, what with being her brother and all, he immediately jumped back a good ten feet, hands in the air like he was being held at gunpoint, and let loose a stream of apologies as fast as he could speak. It took a good two minuites to calm him down.
Where he was from, speaking in such ways about someone's sister resulted in an ass kicking if not a knife. And this was not only understood, but widely approved of throughout the neighborhood.
Me, a first world suburbanite raised in the Rennie community, shrugged it off.
Going back to vampires, they're generally considered a metaphor for lustful behaviors. Which means the warning in the original post is that even though he's minding his manners, the intentions are still blatantly less than honorable. (which predates the nice guy movement by at least a century, now that I think about it.)
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    Jay Peterson

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